Want vs Need - a new poem

I need air,
I want it clean.
I need water,
I want it cool.
I need love,
But I want yours...

Lovely Logic

Were that it so simple
Basic arithmetic
An algorithm
Logic proven
One,
The derivative of one, four, and three
One, four and three
The difference between fifty-seven and forty-one

Fifty-seven and forty-one...
The sum of two souls looking for answers.
Were it as simple as theoretical math...
Complicated, yet with the possibility of being proven...

     When many people think of those they have hurt in the past I feel as though they are rather non-chalant.  They might say, "Oh...yeah...that kind of sucked" or maybe even, "They deserved it."  When I think of those I have hurt, I feel pain and regret.  Not deep and tormenting pain and regret, but sincere pain and regret.  I think to myself, "Was I not <insert adjective here> enough to <insert my failing here>?"  My hope is that anyone who has entered my life has found my presence to bring some degree of happiness or fulfilling to them.  And for those who have had to leave it for one reason or another I hope that they find something greater than me for whatever they were seeking in me as soon as possible.  I am someone who believes in love.  I know I usually talk about "love," but in this case I am not referring to the emotional connection between two people, but in the sincere unconditional offering of good fortune for another's life journey.  There are some in my life that many would say I should wish ill upon, but even for them I hope they find that which I could not teach or bring into their life.  I am missing more than a couple people right now at this exact moment in my life.  One I loved considerably so in such a small duration of time that had you told me I would there would have been laughing.  One is a friend that shall not see again for a long time, God willing.  One is a friend I shall not see again until he finds some sort of peace of mind to pry him away from the self-destructive road he was on when I parted ways.  Obviously, I miss them because they are no longer in my life (though not all will be permanently out).  Still...I wish I could be for them what they wanted me to be.  I wish I could be a part of their joy.  Alas, I can only be myself, and so I shall be, hoping that Michael Funk is all they expect and want of me.

A dilemma...

I feel the need to have a “mental health” day from work.  Normally, not a problem except that so many of my friends work, so I would pretty much be sitting around my place doing nothing.  That’s okay for a lot of people, but for me it just feels like a waste of time.  If I sit somewhere lounging by myself for any long period of time I start to feel as though the walls are caving in around me.  I’m not quite sure what the answer is and life is only going to get busier.  Perhaps it’s time to Google “stress prevention?”

Thought, word, and deed.

Once a mentor of mine who shall remain nameless, but will be revealed by the example I give said something to me and couple others regarding the title above and its application to life.  On the plus side, he did not say anything bad about it, just how it relates to certain spiritual beliefs that I cannot prove or disprove.  He said, “Jewish people are lucky because our religion only cares about word and deed.  You Christians have thought to worry about.”  Like I said, I do not know if this is correct or not and frankly, it does not have to be to be amusing.  Onto the topic though!

                Immediately we can toss “word” in with “deed” because saying things is an action and can thus be considered a deed.  That makes for a very short paragraph on the topic eh?  “Word” is out…  That leaves us with “thought” and “deed” which I shall refer to as “intent” and “action” ok?   Word! >.>

                I was thinking about “intent” versus “action” today because they are different beasts and here are some things that I came up with:

1.       Good intent may lead to good or bad actions.

2.       Bad intent almost always leads to bad actions.

3.       When a bad action occurs I tend to judge the event based on the intent.

4.       When a good action occurs people tend to not think about the intent.

                I think my obsession with “intent” and “action” as they equate to results is based on the fact that 99% of my intentions are good.  And of those 99% good intentions the results are mostly not the desired one.  “The path to hell is paved with good intent” or so they say, but I refuse to believe that “intent” is that worthless unless one does not act on it.  Who can truly say with 100% accuracy what the given consequences of any action are?  And must we be so results driven that we fail to see the value of a golden heart?  For the record, I am not throwing a pity party here or questioning someone’s judgment of me.  It is pure pondering.  But…to get back on track it takes many failures before a stroke of genius yields something spectacular, so why not appreciate good intent with risk in the hope that some miracle occurs as opposed to “play-it-safe” actions?  Just a thought.  ;-)

The many possible roads...

Growing up there were many times in which I knew the quickest way to get from one destination to another.  My father, at times, would not take the most direct route and when questioned about it he would reply, “There’s more than one way to get there…”  Any response to that would yield the same reply and it was almost as if that scene, played out time and time again, came out of a National Lampoon’s movie.  Obviously, his philosophy is true figuratively and literally, but I have always preferred a more direct approach.

                Everyday we are presented with side roads and various paths to each and every goal that we have.  A short list of goals that I have and possible roads to them:

1.       Start a family

a.       Date random people I meet

b.      Date people I know that I normally would not

c.       Go on “The Bachelor”

d.      Match.com/Eharmony.com/whatever

e.      Have friends set me up

2.       Single digit body fat percentage

a.       Go to the gym for everything

b.      Run daily

c.       Isometrics

d.      Intramural sports

3.       Own a house

a.       Save money

b.      Win lotto

c.       Marry a celebrity

d.      Move the boonies

4.       Make a career of music

a.       Practice my @$$ off

b.      Gig

c.       Sing on a street corner

d.      Distribute demo cds

Obviously, some of the “paths” are more lucrative than others.  Some are just outright silly and require nothing other than luck (e.g. lotto) and some require daily work to achieve.  Hopefully you realize that the point of the list above is not to say that I am doing all or even any of these things, but that they are examples.  There are many things on that list that I will not do, but all the same.

                The point is that I could sing on a street corner hoping for that “right place, right time” that some people come across, but I will not.  I could go on “The Bachelor” and hope that A. one of the women is actually attractive enough for my picky nature and B. she is not a heinous individual, but I am not that desperate yet.  I could move out to the boonies to afford a house, but unless the property includes a stream, lake, river, forest, or something other than desert or sweeping plains it is not happening.  There is more than one way to get there, but side roads just are not my thing until I have reached the initial destination (which sounds REALLY shady when put in the context of dating/marriage…WHOOPS!).  Any thing worth having is worth waiting for and anything worth waiting for is worth suffering, sacrificing, and working for be it physical, mental, emotional, or material.

People changing

     I was spending time with some friends tonight when I overheard a conversation that I assume is about someone I know.  I am 99% sure that it is the person I thought it was about and I began to think about how I hoped that what was being said was not true.  Some facts probably were, but may have just been from the past with misinterpretation of the present.  I certainly hope so...and here is why...

     Everyone makes mistakes.  I have made mistakes and I know some people who about some of them, and some people know about all of them.  One of them I have never made public outside of a few trusted (and one who turned out to be not so trustworthy) individuals.  The fact is that years ago I cheated on a girlfriend who loved me tremendously.  No, I did not sleep with the other woman, but there was emotional infidelity and I kissed her on more than one occasion.  She was gracious enough to forgive me and never held it against me.  They say, "Once a cheater, always a cheater" and  that was something that I even touted and believed in for a good portion of my life.  It is no longer a belief of mine because if that is the case then there is no way that I can ever have a functional, romantic, and trusting relationship in my life.  No chance of love.  The one thing I would take over anything else offered to me in life.  I have to believe that I can change...  I will be a sad and lonely individual if I cannot...
     People can change.  I hope that the person referenced initially has indeed changed.  I hope that I have changed.  I feel I have, but I know some do not feel as much.  On top of that, I am ever regretful and ashamed of my transgressions...  I do not really know what else to say without repeating myself.  It is very simple and yet quite complex.